A degree: Still a dream.

Just like any kid, I grew up dreaming of becoming something. I wanted to become a doctor to help people who are sick. That dream made me motivated to study harder, do good in school and avoid any type of distraction.

Many think of me as a geek in school. I wore very thick eyeglasses, i had a very big backpack full of books. i always bring everything. I was somewhat neat but always end up going home in a mess.

I loved going to school most of the time. I study at home before playing. I always make sure my school stuff is ready before sleeping. I make sure that I have an answer to what our teacher asks us and I recite so that my teacher notices me.

In my early years in school, I'm just an average student. I only have a few star moments like joining quiz bees, joining the dance troup and becoming a club member. I never experienced going up the stage to receive a medal or an award.

Everything changed when I got to 6th grade until I graduated high school. I was surprsed of what I become. I was at the top of the class, i found some of the subjects I took in class very easy to understand. I good excellent grades with or without effort.

I just thought of it when I was writing this that it got into my head too much that I was becoming inteligent, bright and becoming very good with things. I thought I can do everything. It saddens me because I think that I gave myself too much pressure to good with everything that I do and when I'm about to fail in something, i quickly avoid it. I ended up not facing challenges. Scared to fail.

Then I watched TV this morning, was just browsing the channels. Then I saw someone speaking, he was preaching. You know about Sunday morning TV here in the Philippines. There's nothing to watch but mass and a pastor preaching. I listened and thought about what he's talking about.

He was talking about having faith. Being faithful to God, to your family, to your employer and to everyone. Then I thought, was that the only thing that I was lacking? If I could remember, I had faith. I was faithful! Why did I lose it? When did I lose it?

i stopped asking those questions. I should do something. NOW! I'm going to start all over. It's not going to be easy but I'll do it one step at a time. SInce I'm currently employed, which is by the way already a blessing, be faithful to my job. Eventually, things will fall into place like before.

I can eventually go back to school without any interference or interruptions. I had to stop when I came back because of mommy. I'm glad i did because I was able to spend my time with her.

i think nows the time to begin. Start a new journey. I can always relax and have fun. There's always going to be a time for it but now I only have to concentrate on one thing. My job.

Soon I'll be able to attain that dream. I just needed faith. i never thought that a five letter word, that used to be a name of a section when I was in prep is the answer.

First Quarter of 2010

January – We were still in the hospital, mom still not ok. We were being asked of we would still like her to stay in the hospital or let her go home. We decided to stay and continue with the medicine. January 15, I woke up at 4am. Was checking for mom’s heartbeat… it was still there. 7am, when I was about to buy her medicines, checked it again, it was gone. Woke up my sister, called the nurses and then it hit me. It was really happening. I called my sisters, aunts and uncle. They came and she was gone. 4 years of battle, lost. Mom was resting in peace finally. We mourned, she was cremated. I cried and got lonely.

February – went back to work, still missing my mom. I was pressured to pass my scorecard, which I did. Sold some, always present and was a very good employee. We brought mom’s ashes to Batangas where she’ll be resting. I’m still missing her even though it was already past 40 days and my bebe because he way away for almost a year.

March – was a very hard month for me. I was absent, wasn’t selling that good, I’m about to reach my 1st year in the company and the past year wasn’t good. I’m thinking if I’m still worth keeping there. If I should continue, if there’s still a chance for me to do good. I got and was still depressed. I got sick by the end of the month and everything went down from there.

I still want to continue, most of them told me. I want support, I want guidance. I have to save money, stop spending. I want to start going back to shape. I still want so many things but I’m not doing anything.

I want to learn how not to pressure myself. Take things easy. How could I? How will I do it? I’m sad, lonely and sick.

Lord Please Help me!